HEINUS – OTTAWA The Canadian government has officially retired the penny coin as too expensive to produce and no longer economically viable. Canadian deputy assistant Finance Minster Denr’y Dolhomme said the penny was pretty with its maple leaf design but that it had become a national embarrassment. “Most citizens don’t want to be seen with it,” Dolhomme said. “People deny they have them, even when you thrust your hand into their pockets and pull out a wad of pennies, people say ‘how did those get there?'”
Needing to make further budget cuts and emboldened by positive public reaction to eliminating the penny, the Canadian government has announced additional items that will be phased out.
Labrador – The province will reportedly be sold to Sir Richard Branson, who is planning to base the world’s largest herd of reindeer there. Branson’s Virgin Santa company will reportedly rent reindeer to North Americans during the holiday season and also provide meat for the company’s planned Santa’s Chimney fast food restaurants.
Neil Young – The singer’s Canadian citizenship will be suspended and he will be required to return his Order of Canada award. Young’s popularity has required Canadian authorities to maintain a 24-hour guard on the Youngtown Museum in Omemee, Ontario, where Young lived as a child. The government estimates that it spends up to $347 dollars (Canadian) a year in paying private security firms and local Cub Scouts to watch over the museum. Further, the return of the Order of Canada medal will allow the government to award it to another recipient more willing to make infrastructure improvements. “We’re speaking with a Russian billionaire or two right now,” Dolhomme said.
Ministry of Immigration – Dolhomme says the Immigration Ministry has a vast bureaucracy with hundreds of offices all over Canada, but that only seven people applied for Canadian citizenship last year. “At that rate, we have decided to close the immigration offices and save money,” Delhomme said. “If you want to live here, come ahead. We’ll take anyone, even Americans.”
Dogs – The costs of cleaning up after dogs and replacing worn turf in public parks has become prohibitive, says Dolhommme and the government says it will saves millions (Canadian) by declaring dogs illegal. “Dog feces doesn’t just clean itself,” Dolhomme said. “It’s very expensive to pick up, disinfect and then dump into level five toxic landfills.” According to Delhomme, dog owners will have a six-month period to train their dogs to use public restrooms. The Department of Inland Game and Wild Sanitation will employ specially-trained inspectors who will administer dog restroom tests to ensure compliance.